Wednesday, March 9, 2011

15 Years since I last saw my Mami

“The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her”

It's been 15 years since I last saw my mom. Fifteen years. Such small words for something that has such a huge meaning in my life. It's crazy to think that it's been that long, because the pain hurts just as much, if not more, as the day she left. As the years go by I have more time to think about how much I need her in my life, how many important moments in our lives she's missed, how many more she will miss, how big the hole in my heart is.

I can only fantasize what life with her here would be like. It's not enough, but it's all I have. You know how they same time heals all? Not true, in my case. I think time teaches you how to deal with the loss of a parent, but it does not heal you.

This whole month is hard for me because it's not only the month she passed and we buried her, but it's also the month of her birthday. On this day, I think of her with the most sorrow in my heart because March 9, 1996 is the day we buried her. It's the last day I got to see her beautiful face. When I was a kid, right after her passing, I would get on my knees and pray long and hard to God, asking that he would rewind time and completely skip March 6th (the date she passed)...maybe like that she would still be here. The innocence of a child.

Maybe this blog entry is a little too sad? Maybe it's extremely sad? What I know is that it comes from the heart. That it's documenting how I feel at this precise moment.

If you, the person on the other side of the computer, knows the feeling of losing someone who is everything to you, I send you a big ol' cyber hug. You are not alone. Many of us go through the pain of losing someone dear to out heart, which we will never heal from. The beautiful thing about life is that nothing can change the fact that this person was choses for us, came into our life, made beautiful memories with us, and will always live in our hearts. I wouldn't change my memories and life with my mami for anything in the world. Even the pain of losing her is not strong enough to make me wish for another life for me. The years I was blessed with my mother were amazing enough for me not to wish for anything else.
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Regina White said...

::Hugs:: to you. I can so feel the love you have for your Mami. I feel the same about mine. In the last year and a half I have had to see my moms health decline and breaks me everytime. But I hold onto every moment with her.

Michelle said...

This was a very touching post that truly came from the heart! I feel your pain, my Daddy passed away very suddenly almost 9 years ago (I was a Daddys girl) and there is rarely a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Some days I think about the amazing memories of him and the fun that we used to have together and other days I just miss him and want him here with me.
I am sure your Mom would be very proud of you!

Hope said...

Sending you a big old cyber hug and hoping I can give you one again soon. Your last paragraph is what I try to tell myself whenever the feelings of loss and sorrow get too hard. You're right, it gets easier to deal but you never really heal. Your post was very sad, but it just reminds me that others have had it worse and you just have to be thankful for the time you have with your loved ones and make the memories count.

We don't know your Mom, but I do believe that a piece of them live in us. You're talented, beautiful and so caring, so I'm sure she was the same. :)

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