Sunday, May 11, 2008

Miss you, Mami.

Words can’t express how much I miss you, Mami. I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like if you were still here. There is not one day that I don’t think about you.

I have so many beautiful memories for such a short span of time that we were allowed together. I could not have asked for a better childhood. Thanks to you, Mami, it was perfect and full of love and affection.

Did I ever tell you how loving you were? Did I tell you I love you enough? Did you know that I would always look out the window when I knew it was almost time for you to get home? Did I thank you every time you laid next to me when I had a nightmare? Did you know I was proud of you? So many questions, but, unfortunately, there are no answers.

You were always so caring, Mom. Your love had no boundaries, no expiration, no limits.

I wish I could go back in time and tell you how much you mean to me. I wish I could let you know that I think you are the strongest person I ever knew. You gave cancer a great fight, but God had a better plan for you, of that I am sure. Sometimes I can't help but be selfish. I wish you were here with me. Although I know I should not question God, I can't help but ask why. Why are you not here? You were too young to leave us. Why did you have to leave us this way?

I was only 12 when you passed. Time flies. I can't believe it's been over a decade since I last saw you or heard your voice. Even in your last moments, you only thought about us. The last words you spoke were to my Aunt. You asked her to always look after my baby sister and me. I can only imagine what it must have felt like to know you were leaving your two young daughters. To not know what would be of them. To know you would not see them grow into young women. I wish you would not have felt that pain.

Mom, I wish you could see my sister. You only got to be with her two years. Two years. Not enough time. She is so big now. She looks just like you. I wish she could remember how much you loved her. I wish she could remember your face, your voice, your love. I don't know what is worse, knowing how wonderful and loving you were and knowing what I am missing out on or being in my sister's shoes and not knowing how much you loved us...not knowing what she is missing out on. It hurts me to think that she will never know what a mother's love feels like. She does not know a mother's love is unconditional. She does not know what it feels like to be cared for by mom after you've been hurt. I try and be there for her like you would have...but, it's not the same. It can't ever be the same. I tell her all about you, though. I tell her how you gave 100 percent of yourself to us. I tell her what a hard worker you were, how smart you were, and how honest you were.

You know, sometimes my Aunts tell me I laugh exactly like you laughed. I like that. Every time I have one those hearty laughs, the kind that comes straight from the stomach, I hear you in me. I am proud of that; it makes me happy to be able to have a little bit of you.

Although I am still in pain from not having you here, I would not change anything. Having you in my life has been worth the tears. I just wish I could have had more time with you.

Mami, it hurts to not have you here. It hurts to have lost you the way we did. I don't think any of us have fully healed.

I want you to know that because of you, I am a strong woman. Thank you for teaching me to be strong, to live, to love and to forgive. Thank you for being my light. You are my inspiration and every day I strive to be like you. I hope that when and if I am blessed with motherhood, I can be as wonderful, loving and caring as you were. I hope I can be as open and affectionate as you.

I thank God for allowing us to have you in our lives if even for a short time. I thank God for blessing me with your love and affection.

Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for giving your life to us. Thank you for the sleepless nights when I was sick. Thank you for working so hard so we could have clothes on our backs and food on the table. Thank you for kissing my cuts, bruises and every single boo boo. Thank you for putting us first. Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for listening to all my many stories. Thank for being there for all my school shows. Thank you for the kisses. Thank you for your tranquility. Thank you for laughing at my jokes. Thanks you for my sister. Thank you for my childhood. Thank you for your love.

I need you and I will always need you. I love you and I will always love you. I will forever treasure all the memories I have of you. Love you, Mami.

________________________________________________

It's hard for me to put into words what my Mom means to me. It always seems like there are not enough words to express how wonderful my Mother was. Mother's Day is always hard for me. We celebrate Mother's Day on the 10th of May so I already took my Mom flowers. This year was harder than other years, for no particular reason. I could not contain my tears when I was buying her flowers. What wouldn't I give to be able to take my Mom a bouquet of flowers but not to her grave. What wouldn't I give to have her here and celebrate with her Mother's Day.

I hope that I haven't depressed anyone out there reading my blog. I just want anyone else out there in the same situation as myself to know that they are not alone.

I hope that everyone out there has a great Mother's Day. If you have your Mom, enjoy your day with her :)

Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms!
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14 comments:

melissa mcclure said...

Thanks for sharing what is in your heart Nat. My best friend lost her mom (2 years ago on Fri) and this holiday is especially hard on her too. Although I can't begin to imagine what you have gone through, my heart goes out to you!

lroah said...

Oh Nataly - you made me cry. You are an amazing lady and photographer, and I know your mom would be SOOO proud of you!

ShutterBugFoto said...

OMG I am in tears right now! I can't believe that I am sitting here aching for you. I wish I could hug you. I too know your MOM is looking down at you with a proud eyes and a proud heart. Thank you for sharing your heart felt feelings.
I LOVE my MOM so much I would be lost without her. Her health isn't that well and times hurts me to think of her not here with me. Now I am finally a MOM and know what it means to be a MOM.

david & kimi baxter said...

what an incredibly touching post nataly. i'm not going to admit that i got teary eyed reading this (did i say that out loud?)but am so sad to hear you lost your mama so young. you are an incredible woman and i know she's looking down on you with very proud eyes.

Jason Lanier said...

Thanks for the post. I lost my Dad and your post makes me think about how important it is to hold onto what we have. Thanks for sharing.

AHS Photography said...

God Bless you Nataly! Like the others said, I know your mom would be so proud of you!
Hugs,

Amy

Jackie said...

that post was beautiful! you are an amazing person and always remember that she's watching over you :O).

Kat Miller-Evidente said...

Well said Nat. This brought tears to my eyes. I lost my dad when I was 12 as well, I know it's really hard. Thank you for sharing this.

Nataly Lemus said...

Thank you all so much for your sweet comments :) I truly appreciate each and every one of them.

Jeanette Sanchez said...

How brave you are to share your heart with the world. Thank you. Your post inspired me to celebrate the time I still have with my Mom.

Christine Farah Photography said...

I am so very sorry for your pain Nataly, but just know that she would be very proud of what an accomplished daughter she brought into this world. *BIG HUGS*

Mandy said...

Aww, Nat. Such a sweet and loving tribute to your Mami.

I know she looks down on you with pride and love. *hugs*

You've accomplished a great deal and it's because of her love and strength on this Earth and in Heaven that you have made it this far.

rowena said...

Thanks for making me cry Nat! I too lost my dad to cancer a couple of years ago but I had him for much longer than you your mom. What you shared is a beautiful tribute to you mami. I'm sure she is looking down at you proud as can be. Thanks for sharing, love you girl.

PR Gal said...

I knew I was drawn to you for a reason, yet I just saw this blog. I also lost my mother at 14 and my sister was 6 to cancer. I heard my own voice as I read your letter. It may sound strange but I've been a firm believer that my mom guides me into things and to certain people...including my fiance (that's a long story). Now I REALLY can't wait to meet you in person. Thank you for posting this.
-Rebecca

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